Top 11 Things I Wish I Would Have Got Better At In My Youth

11. Spray painting naked Aztec ladies with massive heaving bosom on the hoods of El Caminos.

10. Killing Nazis in space with my bare hands.

9. Running opium in a hollowed out camel over the Hindu Kush mountains dressed in full burka regalia with Ed Mcmahon at my side so that every time we snuck pass Pakastani soldiers Ed could go “Hi-yo!” and then cheers our martinis.

8. Dancing with wolves.

7. Not amassing a horrendous ball of belly button lint in my belly button. It’s now not unlike that dude in Total Recall.

6. Writing that shredding guitar riff in the song “Killer Tofu” from Doug on Nickelodeon. But they were only going to pay me in Flinstones Vitamins that they insisted were Skittles. Me no dumb.

5. Synthesizing an amino peptide that could make me walk through walls to strangle Nazis by surprise in either Space or the back of a Volkswagon.

4. Being nice and awesome around, and excellent in the presence of, my friends’ younger sisters. You know. For later.

3. Being king of Lithuania and conducting a multi-front war on Eastern Europe to take all their women to breed into Victoria’s Secret models. Like a super model farm. Then I would have sold them to Victoria who would then design awesome boxers briefs that don’t stretch and become regular boxers when I ride my bike. That one really gets my goat.

2. Electrical Engineering. Failed. Miserably.

1. Inventing the internts. I could be rich. Like, Jesse Jackson rich.

Now playing: Scott Biram – Someday Baby
via FoxyTunes


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