It’s summer time. Grab yourself a Four Loko.
Archive for June, 2010
It’s summer time. Grab yourself a Four Loko.
When you’re on a hike watch for squirrels. Squirrels mean snakes. And snakes mean poison. Poison means girls. And girls that are poison mean Bell Biv DeVoe. And Bell Biv Devoe means a Party:
I’ll be writing about this a lot. HBO has finally released a real teaser for their upcoming series A Game Of Thrones which is book one of George R.R. Martin’s fantasy series A Song Of Ice and Fire. Here’s the teaser.
Our contributing writer Sarah Vowel was tired of all the ice cream, and pools, and boys-kissing-girls, and tits, and rocking out, and other things people enjoy in summers so she made a list of things she hates all year round and throughout the entire space-time continuum.
10. small, shaky dogs
they are cute but appeal to my discomfort because they are quivery and nervous-seeming. they are sorta like if you get your 17 year old co-worker stoned and he freaks out, but it isn’t just one night. it is all the time.
9. people younger than me
if you were six years old when kurt cobain died, it doesn’t matter how good your band is. i’m still uncomfortable around you.
every so often someone will say something like, i hate having to go to the mall! i find this to be a confusing statement.
7. good beer
it is too expensive, and people who like it tend to have beards and start balding at an early age
6. the beatles
i appreciate many aspects of the talent involved in the song-writing done by members of this band, but still resent them for being so well-liked. the beatles are the pretty girls who got asked out in high school of pop music, and for that i have a well-deserved reason to dislike them.
4. people who think listening to NPR makes them interesting
listening to NPR does not make you interesting. it just makes you (probably) white.
3. the olive garden
i remember living in the bay area and all my vegetarian friends were super pumped when someone who had a car could drive them to fremont, where the nearest olive garden was. i could never go because i always ended up working that day. then i moved iowa and i made my boyfriend take me to one in our town. it smelled like perfume and disappointment, so i didn’t really eat anything.
2. people who still get super drunk
come on, man. we are pushing thirty. i don’t care how much you hate your wife. just handle your shit because i cannot afford to bail you out.
1. mormon missionaries
i find these dudes frustrating for the following reasons: they are usually hot, i appreciate the tenacity involved in knocking on a door marked with a large sign which reads ‘NO PREACHING!’.
Sarah from Iowa saw the thing I did for Chic Domestic and felt she had 1 or 2 cents to put to it.
one time my best friend attempted to have sex with a burrito. he was horny and curious, and really likes burritos. he couldn’t get off because, according to him, he felt too silly about it. i immediately asked if he ate the burrito thereafter. he replied with, “um, duh”.
9. sanford and son
something about a curmugeony old racist mostly black man makes me want to sit outside and drink iced tea. with whiskey in it. i can’t take my tv outside, though. it sucks.
8. the idea of going fishing
even if i don’t eat fish, or know anyone who has a boat, or would ever so much as touch anything that came out of the crotch-rot-smelling bodies of waters in iowa, i still like the idea of fishing.
7. not exercising
you know shit is getting lame right about when you first hear someone use the term “bikini season”. and i mean they say it outloud, it isn’t just when you see it on the cover of some shitty tabloid magazine while you are at the drugstore buying beer. it makes you want to get fat.
6. bugs in your face
bugs in your face suck, but it’s funny to watch your friends get really upset about it.
5. kiddie pools
i don’t like kids, and i really don’t want them in any pool i may go into, but i like kiddie pools. i asked my boss if we could use company money to buy one. i would hang out in it all day giving out samples of pizza. you know that would sell a lot of pizza.
4. smelling bad
i probably always smell a little less good than the average woman, but it is more forgivable this time of year.
3. the ice cream truck
i don’t ever buy shit from the ice cream truck, and i haven’t since i was probably the age desired of the common molester, but i still get nostalgic when i hear that creepy fucking sound of ice cream truck music. and really, we have invented iPhones but still use the same ice cream truck music technology? how? i love it.
2. chicks wearing less clothing
this is one of those examples of something that is rad when you live in san francisco (where i used to) and less rad when you live in iowa (where i do now). trust me.
1. people who set themselves on fire grilling
this will probably happen to my dad now, because i just typed it and am also a horrible person. anyway, WOOOOOOOOO summer!
churchburning has gone offline.
Helen Thomas, that old lady you may have seen over the years in the front row of White House press conferences, the only one that didn’t roll over and let the Bushites rub her belly, retired today because of some comments she made about Israel. In the wake of the Israeli commando raid of a flotilla carrying aid to Palestine Old Lady Thomas said that Israeli Jews should “get the hell out of Palestine” and return to Germany and Poland “or wherever they came from.” Of course, the Hearst News Service that she works for, the White House, and everyone else lost control of their bowels and put a big Gaza style wall in between themselves and Old Lady T.
Yeah, maybe it sounds on par with “go back to Africa”, but no one would have a problem with that if Africans came to the US by choice and started kicking everyone’s ass. If you have a sense of reason or rationality or non-dumbassery you should agree with Thomas. I, for one, have been saying something similar for years. Why would anyone as good at math as the Jews logically deduce after watching their family and everyone else like them murdered systematically that they should give up their beautiful central European wooded forest land filled with vast resources and a worldwide empathized mandate that it’s theirs now move to a hot, dry, ugly piece of the world surrounded by a whole other set of other antagonistic cultures and justify it with the predication of a god that doesn’t exist and in essence just abandoned them and their culture? It’s dumb. And like Abraham it begot a whole list of generations. But instead of generations filled with tolerance and compassion or whatever B.S. Judea-Christian values the bible claims, they are generations of hate, terrorism, apartheid, murder, and ghettoization, thus one of the biggest hypocritical mass blunderings in human history. Everyone is too scared to admit it for a fistful of reasons except Old Lady T and now she has to retire. Dumb.