Sarah’s Top Ten Troubling Things That Torment
Our contributing writer Sarah Vowel was tired of all the ice cream, and pools, and boys-kissing-girls, and tits, and rocking out, and other things people enjoy in summers so she made a list of things she hates all year round and throughout the entire space-time continuum.
10. small, shaky dogs
they are cute but appeal to my discomfort because they are quivery and nervous-seeming. they are sorta like if you get your 17 year old co-worker stoned and he freaks out, but it isn’t just one night. it is all the time.
9. people younger than me
if you were six years old when kurt cobain died, it doesn’t matter how good your band is. i’m still uncomfortable around you.
every so often someone will say something like, i hate having to go to the mall! i find this to be a confusing statement.
7. good beer
it is too expensive, and people who like it tend to have beards and start balding at an early age
6. the beatles
i appreciate many aspects of the talent involved in the song-writing done by members of this band, but still resent them for being so well-liked. the beatles are the pretty girls who got asked out in high school of pop music, and for that i have a well-deserved reason to dislike them.
4. people who think listening to NPR makes them interesting
listening to NPR does not make you interesting. it just makes you (probably) white.
3. the olive garden
i remember living in the bay area and all my vegetarian friends were super pumped when someone who had a car could drive them to fremont, where the nearest olive garden was. i could never go because i always ended up working that day. then i moved iowa and i made my boyfriend take me to one in our town. it smelled like perfume and disappointment, so i didn’t really eat anything.
2. people who still get super drunk
come on, man. we are pushing thirty. i don’t care how much you hate your wife. just handle your shit because i cannot afford to bail you out.
1. mormon missionaries
i find these dudes frustrating for the following reasons: they are usually hot, i appreciate the tenacity involved in knocking on a door marked with a large sign which reads ‘NO PREACHING!’.