Sarah from Iowa saw the thing I did for Chic Domestic and felt she had 1 or 2 cents to put to it.
one time my best friend attempted to have sex with a burrito. he was horny and curious, and really likes burritos. he couldn’t get off because, according to him, he felt too silly about it. i immediately asked if he ate the burrito thereafter. he replied with, “um, duh”.
9. sanford and son
something about a curmugeony old racist mostly black man makes me want to sit outside and drink iced tea. with whiskey in it. i can’t take my tv outside, though. it sucks.
8. the idea of going fishing
even if i don’t eat fish, or know anyone who has a boat, or would ever so much as touch anything that came out of the crotch-rot-smelling bodies of waters in iowa, i still like the idea of fishing.
7. not exercising
you know shit is getting lame right about when you first hear someone use the term “bikini season”. and i mean they say it outloud, it isn’t just when you see it on the cover of some shitty tabloid magazine while you are at the drugstore buying beer. it makes you want to get fat.
6. bugs in your face
bugs in your face suck, but it’s funny to watch your friends get really upset about it.
5. kiddie pools
i don’t like kids, and i really don’t want them in any pool i may go into, but i like kiddie pools. i asked my boss if we could use company money to buy one. i would hang out in it all day giving out samples of pizza. you know that would sell a lot of pizza.
4. smelling bad
i probably always smell a little less good than the average woman, but it is more forgivable this time of year.
3. the ice cream truck
i don’t ever buy shit from the ice cream truck, and i haven’t since i was probably the age desired of the common molester, but i still get nostalgic when i hear that creepy fucking sound of ice cream truck music. and really, we have invented iPhones but still use the same ice cream truck music technology? how? i love it.
2. chicks wearing less clothing
this is one of those examples of something that is rad when you live in san francisco (where i used to) and less rad when you live in iowa (where i do now). trust me.
1. people who set themselves on fire grilling
this will probably happen to my dad now, because i just typed it and am also a horrible person. anyway, WOOOOOOOOO summer!
churchburning has gone offline.