Archive for the death Category

Blimey! Another Text From Me Julie!

Posted in death with tags , , , on August 25, 2009 by oldmandub

Not enough gore from your Vampire movies to sate your blood thirst? Watch this British PSA on the dangers of texting while driving. Just listen to their jellied eels for help. These blokes might be up the apples and pears to Heaven.


She’s Fantastic. Made of Plastic.

Posted in books, death, world history with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 10, 2009 by oldmandub

Some time ago some nerd kid I knew told me about a Texas sized piece of trash floating in the ocean. I took his word for it and soon told a friend of mine about it and he refused to believe me, saying that it would be impossible for such to exist without everyone knowing about it. Perplexed as to how I should now feel about it I then took it upon myself to do my own research. 4 years later, and a chapter I read in a book yesterday on the train, I have come to learn that indeed it does exist, and even some more deets about what is commonly referred to as The Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Basically, how it works is there are currents that flow down the coast of California, across the Pacific, back up Japan into the Pacific, topped by the Alaskan and Oyashio currents that flow east-west, up and then back down, across the Pacific. This creates in the middle a slow-moving clockwise depression correctly known as the North Pacific Subtropical Gyre, and this is where all the garbage, 80% plastic, that flows predominantly from our coasts all ends up. The end result is a 10 million square mile heap of filth almost the size of Africa. It’s mostly made up of “nurdles”, micro sized grains of plastic that were eroded from bigger pieces, but are also the building blocks of plastics, melted down to make bottles and toys and shit. They are also the granules in most exfoliants washing out to sea with every soothing shower massage. Plastics act as magnets for poisons like DDT and PCBs. Because nurdles are so small, they get eaten by plankton thereby putting plastic at the bottom of the food chain. So for all of you vegetarians that still eat fish you might want to cross the chicken of the sea off of your list of snack time decor.

Since plastics haven’t been around long enough for us to really know how long they take to decompose it’s estimated that they’ll be in the seas and everywhere else for 10s of thousands of years. And there are six other major tropical oceanic gyres on the Earth, all whirling with garbage. According to Alan Weisman, author of The World Without Us “Plastic Debris…[is] now the most common surface feature of the world’s oceans… [Are] there any benign, less-immortal substitutes that civilization [can] convert to, lest the world be plastic-wrapped evermore?” On the bright side, when Galactus comes to devour the Earth all he has to do is poke a few holes with a fork, set global warming for MEDIUM at 5 1/2 minutes, give it a quarter turn, set it at HIGH for 2 minutes, let cool for 30 seconds, and then enjoy.

I just woke up from this dream that was really cool.

Posted in celebrities, death, dreams, partying, rocking with tags , , , , , on June 30, 2009 by oldmandub

Listen to this as you read:

Gustav Holst, Levine – Mars, The Bringer of War

It started in Japan with the waking of Godzilla by sacred incantation. Then the dream whisked away to Africa where a lion was captured to be brought back to America. Fast forward and I’m at some huge fancy hotel in downtown Los Angeles where each floor has a different design. I’m staying in room 555 with my dad and mom and I’m putting on a tuxedo for a Halloween party. It turns out that other members of my extended family are also staying on the same floor, which has a large library in the center that can be accessed from numerous angles and has a piano in it. Somehow my iPhone gets wet and starts acting up so I leave it in the room to go to the party. At this point Godzilla is now outside the hotel just walking about while everyone inside is unaware. Nonetheless there’s total bedlam outside and the military is setting up its positions to take out the Japanese menace. While that is going on, the lion escapes from his cage and begins his hunt for human meat throughout the hotel. The really cool thing about this dream is how cinematic it is. For example, the shot of me deciding to leave my iPhone in the room and leave for the party starts zoomed in on me crouching over my suitcase examining the phone and then my aunt says, “Andrew, let’s go” and i say, “fuck it” and drop the phone. The shot pulls out from above the door as i stand up and walk out, leaving a wide open view of room’s window to show Godzilla lumbering past. The music appropriately changed at that revealing moment. My dreams have soundtracks, do yours?

At this point I become David Bowie and I’m attending a high class celebrity infused crazy ass party that’s happening on what turns out to be the floor right below my floor. I’m David Bowie and I’m The Devil for Halloween (or, is this just an ironic joke on my part for I really am David Bowie – THE DEVIL, and am just dressing up as The Devil for my own amusement?). I go to the party and see Brad Pitt talking to some pretty girl and in their snappy banter he reveals that indeed, yes, Batman exists in my dream world and is somewhere in L.A.. At this point what appears to be a lion comes stalking into the party. Everyone hushes and the music stops. But as the shot reveals more of the lion we see that it is actually just Bill Murry in a lion costume. Everyone is excited and the music starts again and then FLASH! a bright lights goes off, wind is ripping through the room and we immediately cut back to regular Andrew somewhere on another floor, keenly aware that something is afoot in this hotel. I’m not sure what it is but soon more people are beginning to panic. I become separated from my people and decide I need to go back to get my possibly broken iPhone from room 555 so I can make contact with my father who is somewhere else in the hotel. I go to the 5th floor and it turns out all the “3” numbered rooms are on the 5th floor and I deduce that the “5”s must be on the 7th floor. I get on the elevator with this old couple who are elegantly dressed for some ball that is happening on some other floor and I accidentally hit the button for the 6th floor, where I know the celebrity party is and something terribly wrong is happening. The doors open and my suspicions are confirmed when I immediately panic to horrifying screams, flashing lights, and flying furniture. It’s quite clear that evil spirits have invaded the celebrity party and that people are dying. I immediately hit the button for the 7th floor and the doors close before any mayhem can make it’s way in with us.

On the 7th floor I fly out the doors trying to find room 555 to get my iPhone so I can find my dad. As I run pass one corner we see another Godzilla cinematic shot out the window. Now the army is set up and is using some massive lightning/laser gun against the beast and there’s smoldering buildings and whatnot outside. Andrew the Hero doesn’t notice, but Andrew the Dream Weaver does and is curious, why isn’t Godzilla attacking THIS building? Anyway, there’s no time to explore this question further because the party goers in the library are all terrified, hiding behind what they can because none other than the Lion himself has found his way to the 7th floor where there are plenty of humans cowering in fear. And Lions love the smell of fear. I’m running through trying to use the library as a short cut when some lady behind the piano points behind me and screams, “Here he comes!” The Lion and I lock eyes. He approaches slowly, his shoulders undulating up and down, confident that I pose no challenge. Little does the Lion know, I know Karate and he lunges at me. I land a punch right in his face and he flies to the ground, only to pick himself up with intense speed and lunge again, but I duck out of the way and book it for room 555, directly ahead of me.

This is pretty much where I wake up: Godzilla is fighting the US Army outside my hotel that’s been invaded by celebrity killing ghosts and a hungry lion that now has a personal beef with me, the Karate wielding and still iPhoneless protagonist, and somewhere in the building is Batman who is taking his sweet time getting the King of the Jungle off my back, and I may or may not be David Bowie – The Devil. Definitely, the coolest dream I’ve had in a long time.

Not To Hate On The Man, or Anything…

Posted in celebrities, death, world history with tags , , , on June 26, 2009 by oldmandub

Good ol’ MJ died today. The self-proclaimed King Of Pop who once carried a giant statue of himself around the world to finally place it on the exact spot in Moscow where once stood a comparably sized statue of Stalin had a big heart attack and hit the deck. Some people today kept saying stuff to me like, “Michael Jackson molested children. He’s a terrible person!” You know what I had to say?


It’s true. The man was a genius and a lunatic so I’m linking up my favorite parodies of Jacko from over the years. Let’s all have a laugh, shall we?

The last one is kinda mean, but it’s funny. The Jonathon Taylor Thomas as McCaully Culkin seems totally avant garde to me.

Michael’s Genius lives on!

Now playing: Michael Jackson – Jam
via FoxyTunes

Ed Mcmahon has died

Posted in celebrities, death, TV with tags , , , , , on June 25, 2009 by oldmandub

I guess, for those of you who don’t know, Ed Mcmahon was Johnny Carson’s sidekick when Carson did the Tonight Show which was then taken over by Jay “The Chin” Leno, and now conquered and made funny by Conan O’Brien. He also did the publisher’s clearing house thing where he showed up at people’s houses with big checks and said, “you get money. It’s free.” Those commercials were on a lot when I was too young to own a house but just about the right age to watch TV in one.

I probably shouldn’t say this on here, but someone I know knows a guy who represented an insurance company who had a policy with someone rich like Hugh Heffner, who was being sued by Mcmahon for having some steps in front of his house. Mcmahon tripped on said steps [that’s legalize for the steps in front Hugh Heffner’s house] and broke his neck. This was a few months ago. He sued for like 2 million dollars cuz that’s what he said he could make if he didn’t have a broken neck. The dude that the dude I know knows that represented the insurance company’s job was to say, “yeah, right.”